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Thursday, January 6, 2011

Alexis not invited, well then thanks but no thanks.

I have been up since 3 am, when I realised that Alexis has slept from about 10:30 ish (yay, she must be getting better), and now I just can't get back to sleep. I've had such broken sleep lately that after four solid hours of sleep my body is like, "hey bludger, what's going on?"

Actually it's probably more the fact that I stupidly checked facebook while I was clearing my nose etc. WHEN WILL I LEARN? Stupid stupid stupid. I have one of those phones with internet and apps and stuff, it's how I blog and check emails, facebook etc. It's great for keeping me awake when Alexis wants feeds at ungodly hours (yes I realise I should be weaning her off these, but for my own comfort it's often easier to feed her than express...I hate expressing..don't get me started...), but I've developed a bit of a bad habit of checking it all the time. I foolishly fill my head with information and then can't sleep.

This morning I read a status update from a friend saying he hates choosing wedding songs. A simple statement that sent me on a cascade of thoughts. I wasn't going to blog about this, I was going to blog about my loving parents randomly turning up yesterday saying "we are here to babysit, you two go to the movies," and the wonderful day that followed. It is a lovely feel good story that should be told, but I might shelve it for now because I can't stop thinking about this wedding thing.

Firstly, reading my friend's status brought back memories of the lead up to my own wedding two years ago, some stressful, some fun. It also brought back memories of the wedding and reception, great memories. Annoyingly, I remember hearing a song on the way to the hairdressers that morning and while I was getting my hair done (the radio was playing it a lot) and thinking it would make a good wedding song, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was! Things like this annoy me immensely.

Anyway, what makes this relevant to my mummy blog (you still with me?) is that I'm not actually going to this wedding, because of my baby....

I rarely get invited to birthday parties or trips to the beach or girls nights etc. I'm getting used to it. I never did these things much before Alexis was born anyway. Partly because I was always working or studying, partly because I was just socially lacking and never made much effort. I am usually content with my bub,my hubby, my family and the odd play-date, but every now and then I see photo albums on facebook and think, "might have been nice to have been invited to that". I probably wouldn't have gone, but, it might have been nice to be considered.

THIS wedding, however, I did actually receive an invite to. A beautiful invitation in a beautiful envelope arrived in the mail a few months ago, requesting the pleasure of the company of Corey and Karlee. I was quite excited. Corey and I went to highschool with this guy and also when I went to church voluntarily for the first time as a young adult (by myself, I was a bit nervous) I sat with him and his family and they helped me feel welcome. I've seen him go through an, interesting, journey and am so happy to see him settling down with a beautiful girl who he loves dearly. I would love to be at their wedding.

There was no mention of Alexis on the invitation. I wouldn't mind going without her normally but the wedding is to be held a long way (hours) away, so I wouldn't like to leave her behind. If there was an emergency it would take us far too long to get to her. I asked my parents and they said they would not like to babysit for that same reason, and also the sheer length of a wedding and reception would mean we were away from her for about 8 hours even without travel time. I haven't left her for more than a few hours at a time. I messaged my friend to check that it would be fine to bring Alexis, she's only 10 months, most venues don't charge for kids under three. I didn't think there'd be a problem.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't shocked when I first read two replies from his bride. She was polite and diplomatic about it, but essentially the first message said, 'we don't really want small children there because it'll be hot and we want you to enjoy yourselves but bring her if you absolutely have to'. That in itself would not have upset me if not for the second message quickly followed by, 'actually I've already said no children to some of my friends, and don't want to upset them, so please don't bring her, sorry'.

I was upset at missing out but I tried not to get angry. I know first hand how awkward and sensitive wedding issues are, and if they don't want babies there that's their right. So I wished them well but said unfortunately we would not be attending, and explained why. I thought that would be the end of the story. I didn't want to cause them unnecessary stress. I after all, am not family and we are not that close anymore, and the bride's wishes must come first, it is her day. I tried to sound friendly and sympathetic. I must have upset them though because they replied a few more times saying they really wanted us there and to please "not be offended and just get a babysitter". That DID get my back up and I'm ashamed to say I didn't respond overly well. They were only trying to help, but I felt like they were attacking me as a mother and saying I was being overprotective and/or just too lazy to organise time away from Alexis (it would require an awful lot of expressed milk and considering how much I hate expressing...) I hope that after the stress of the wedding is over they can forgive us for not going and we can still be friends. I'm not mad anymore, it was months ago this happened. It just feels weird knowing that we will not be there at the wedding. It's just another event I'll read about and see photos on facebook and wonder what might have been.

So why am I sharing this long winded story with you? Partly because Alexis woke up all gassy and is lying on me dozing until a burp or two surface, but also because I wanted to write it out, understand my thoughts etc. There is a part of me that feels guilty for not going. Maybe we could have made it work. Maybe I was too quick to put it in the "too hard" basket. I don't think so though. I agonised over it for weeks because I didn't want to upset my friend. I ended up upsetting him anyway, isn't that ironic.

At the end of the day though, as Alexis' parents, Corey and I have every right to decide that we do not wish to leave her behind. It is our decision, and our decision alone, to make. We are responsible for her. If I don't want to stay up expressing for weeks to get enough milk to leave with her I don't have to. If we don't feel comfortable being such a long distance from her because she's learning to walk and accident prone, then we shouldn't. If Corey doesn't want to give up precious time with his daughter then he shouldn't have to unless for work. If other people feel comfortable leaving their babies behind then good for them, but our situation is different and we choose not to. I need to be confident enough with my decisions to not feel the need to justify myself.

Wow the garbage truck is here, is it that late? Oh no, we didn't put the bin out last night, we thought it was Tuesday!

*Rushes to wake Corey up.*

Made it just in time. Corey has gone back to bed. I hoped he would stay up with Alexis, I've been up since 3am. It's 7 am now. I need some sleep! ;)

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At January 6, 2011 at 7:50 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah I know what you mean.... BTW Alexis was asleep when I went back to bed and is still alseep. Since im not im listening out for her.

The whole rushing into the room scaring the heck out of me thing woke me up to much.

Love you.

At April 22, 2011 at 11:15 PM , OpenID meltdownschaosaspergers said...

I get where you are coming from with not attending things. If they still have a problem with you not going to their wedding then it is their problem not yours. And when they have children they will understand!!


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