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When being the mum just sucks

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Friday, April 1, 2011

When being the mum just sucks

Sometimes being a mum is amazing. Sometimes I am filled with such overwhelming feelings of love and happiness as I gaze upon my miniature version of myself.  Sometimes she hugs me so tight and smells so good and feels so warm and I feel like I'm simply going to burst. Sometimes I watch Alexis and Corey playing happily together and think to myself, "it doesn't get any better than this".

Now I have buttered you up with pleasant images of me being a loving, kind, doting mother, and fill those expecting children with warm fuzzy feelings, I can brutally snap you back to reality.

Sometimes being the mum sucks.  

There, I said it. That wasn't so hard was it?

Don't get me wrong, I love my darling daughter whole-heartedly, and the last thing I want to do is be labelled a bad, whingy, ungrateful mother, but if we are all honest with ourselves we know it to be true.

Sometimes being a mum just plain sucks. At least that's how it feels in the middle of it. In the middle of an, "oh that's right, it's not about me," moment, being the woman, and thus the mother, seems one of nature's cruelest curses. "Why oh why must I be the one with the boobs," is something that has crossed my mind far too often.

This only happens when Alexis interupts something I was really enjoying, such as a sleep, a meal, a deep conversation with a friend, or (dare I be crude) a  good poop, and will not settle down (stop squawking) without a feed.

Admittedly it's not so bad now she's older. When she was a newborn it hit me very hard. Any mother of a newborn will tell you the same thing, babies JUST KNOW when you are about to sit down for a meal and they do not like it. They wake from the deepest sleep demanding a feed. You have no choice but to drop everything and feed your little gift from God. Well meaning relatives frequently offer to hold the baby while you eat, but its better, in my opinion, to reheat your food later than to gulp it down as quickly as possible feeling guilty the whole time and give yourself horrible indigestion. Ah the fond memories.

Now Alexis is older and on solids, meals aren't a problem. We eat together and I give her stuff she can pick up with her fingers so my hands are free to feed myself.  It makes a mess to clean up later but messes are always easier to deal with than being hungry.

Now the main thing that irritates me to the point of distraction is lack of sleep. Night wakings and night feeds don't bother me as such. What bothers me is those nights, like tonight, when I've been up with her for two hours and she just won't sleep.  Not because she is naughty but because she is in pain. Whether it's teething, nappy rash, a cold, or indigestion, there's not really a lot I can do other than hold her, feed her, and try to comfort her as best as I can. The times I know she is my responsibility because I am the mum.  Corey needs to sleep coz he needs to drive, work, and function in the outside world.  I know this, but sometimes it sucks. I'd like to be nice and say that I'm most concerned that she isn't well and I can't make it better, and ofcourse that is true, to a certain extent. It does really suck though that I have to be awake when I'm so tired. I have so much trouble sleeping as it is, so its really hard for me to get back to sleep once I finally get her back down.

Then there's the nights like tonight when she quickly turns from being a helpless victim of pain to being a naughty little so and so.

Since I've started writing this I took a break to wake Corey up coz I desperately needed to go to the toilet and she was too distraut to leave on her own. She kicked up such a stink so I instructed he put her on the floor and ignore her if she was going to chuck a wobbly anyway. She scampered off, found a teddy bear, and started playing happily. I asked Corey to give her some water and some panadol and then go back to bed. There's no point us all being miserable tomorrow. 

Now she is walking around banging on things, shouting, and just being belligerent. I'm going to wait until she shows signs she admits she is tired because there is no point trying to get her to sleep when she is like this. I also suspect she is working on a rather disgusting poo. Why did I send Corey back to bed? I doubt he is asleep but I dare not go in there disturbing him again. A tired Corey is worse than a hungry Karlee.

He will probably be tired in the morning anyway. He has to leave early to put the car in for a service. He will probably whinge he is so tired he feels sick coz he was woken at 1 (he changes the nappies if she wakes in the night)  and 2:30. "I couldn't sleep then coz she was making so much noise".  Which may or may not be true. At this ungodly hour 10 minutes seems like a month. He will have a right to be tired, but I will tell him to suck it up because atleast he got more sleep than me. He will say I'm being a cow and he will go to work. I will be stuck at home with a whingy whiny baby. That's just the way it is.

Sometimes it just sucks to be the mum.  

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