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Monday, June 20, 2011

Old before my time!?

I'm sick yet again. I guess I've overdone it. I took Alexis to the park on Thursday. I had to kill a few hours at the shops on Friday while the car was in for a service. We went out Saturday night. We had an early morning Sunday and I made the stupid mistake of washing my hair and not drying it straight away. That seems to be all it takes.

It's not like I was overly irresponsible. On Saturday night we went to a family member's house. We had a lovely dinner and watched a movie on TV. I relaxed on the couch cuddling Corey while Alexis was spoiled by her nans. It's not like I was out in the cold scantily clad or trying to do too much. 

On Sunday we had a garage sale but Corey did the vast majority of everything. I was inside with Alexis. I was baking cupcakes. I only went into the garage occasionally to take something out to Corey or relieve him while he ducked into the loo for a minute. Then I sat out on the driveway in the sun at midday to get some of whichever vitamin it is you only get from sunlight. I had already dried my hair by then. I was trying to be a good girl. Really.

By 2pm I was sneezy and shivering and grumpy. By 4pm I was a nightmare. By 6pm I was a really unhappy whingy sooky lady. By 7pm I was burning hot. By 7:15 I was just well and truly over it all.

I'm cranky at myself. We still haven't been well enough to visit that person who we have to be well to see. We were almost better and I had to go get sick again. Yes I should have dried my hair straight away Sunday morning instead of messing around trying to find other things to sell (none of which we sold). I should have napped when Alexis was sleeping instead of icing the cupcakes. I shouldn't have eaten a cupcake then whinged I couldn't sleep! I was careless but not intentionally. 

I was only trying to be a good wifey and do something nice for Corey for once. He was the one out there in the cold by himself waiting for people to turn up. He was the one selling things and making a bit of spending money for us. Turns out he was enjoying having a chance to relax and read a book but I felt guilty not being out there when the whole thing was my stupid idea. He did love my cupcakes though, so that's something.

I just wanted to do something a little different. I get tired of life being about washing and nappy changes and saying no we are not watching Wiggles again you already watched it today, and trying to get Alexis to sleep and trying to clean up and trying to make sure there's always something to eat and eat with.

I do love being a stay at home mum. For me playing with Alexis and attending to her immediate needs is top priority. When she sits in my lap or cuddles me or kisses me or does something cute or clever or falls asleep in my arms I wish she could stay this age forever. Now she's older though she doesn't need me constantly so I have less excuse to not pull my weight. I do enjoy housework because I get a good sense of satisfaction when I've done it well. Corey doesn't expect me to get much done but I like to stay on top of things because it makes all our lives easier when I'm organised.

I'm just tired of being tired and sick of being sick. I'm bored, if I dare admit it, of trying to just do the bare minimum. I'm frustrated that I can never get the "bare minimum" done because I try to attempt extra bits and pieces and then run out of steam. I don't really have time to blog but I do it because it's the one thing I do for me. I enjoy writing, I enjoy reading old posts, and yes I can admit it I feel good when I read nice comments (there's nothing conceited about that is there?). Every now and then I want more. I want to do paintings for my kids and bake goodies and try new recipes and go to playgroup and shop for new clothes and introduce Alexis to the world around us. It shouldn't be that hard. 

It's not in my nature to want to do something and not try to do it. It is not in my nature to deal well with failing to achieve what I set out to do. It upsets me to think I'm older and frailer than I used to be and my body can't handle what it used to. It's annoying to admit I'm "old before my time". At almost age 24 I feel like I imagined being 50 would feel like. It is a little hard to take.

It's hard to find a peer group. Young intelligent stay at home  mums do exist, and I am privileged to know a few, but we all seem to be in the same boat of wanting to catch up but being too sick, too tired, too scatter-brained (brain atrophy from not putting it to proper use is real, dammit), or too "busy" (trying to do too much or feeling like martyrs) to organise a catch up. At least with Facebook and blogging we can encourage eachother online, but it really isn't the same. 

Most of my friends from uni are either still studying (phd, med school, etc) or in high-paying well-respected careers. They have opportunities I simply don't have - parties, expensive food and drink, buying houses or travelling around the world. Am I jealous? Only a little bit, only every now and then. I try not to be. I know that what I have is so amazing. Some of my friends have admitted to me quite openly that they would give it all away in a heart beat for a hubby like Corey and a daughter like Alexis. I know I am truly blessed. Yet sometimes I want to hang out with the gang just for old times sake. I keep meaning to invite them all over for dinner or something. I might get around to it one day.

I'm not unhappy, not as such. I'm just reaching that point of adulthood where I have to realise I'm a grown up now. I have responsibility and although I would love to be able to walk around with wet hair for a few hours I can't really do that anymore. Not in winter anyway. My body is focusing all its energy, resources and strength on growing this little miracle inside my womb. It's not weakness to admit I'm not as healthy as I would like to be.

I need to shift my way of thinking more than anything. I can't be the quintessential over-achiever anymore, and that's ok.  It's not selfish or lazy to stop for a rest. It's ok if we get takeaway for dinner when we can afford it.  I'm not a bad wife if my hubby does the groceries and/or does the dishes and/or puts Alexis to sleep and/or does some washing. Just because I need his help doesn't mean I should feel useless or worthless. Corey LIKES helping. What he doesn't like is seeing his wife crying in bed in a heap because she's upset she can't do what she wants to do and feels like a burden. 

Alexis doesn't mind if mummy sits on her tushy watching wiggles with her, in fact she quite likes it. Alexis doesn't mind missing playgroup as long as I make an effort to play with her at home when we'd normally be there. Alexis doesn't need fancy meals as long as she gets something from every food group she's ok. She's happy with wheetbix for brekky, yoghurt for morning tea, peanut butter sandwich for lunch, an apple for arvo tea, veggies, meat and macaroni n cheese for dinner.. She doesn't need the best, she needs her mummy happy and healthy.           

Wormy just needs me to eat and drink and sleep and say "I love you" and tickle my belly.

It's not really that hard is it? Maybe if I aim a little lower I might just meet my goals. Then I might feel well enough to take on more. Seems easy in theory. As long as I don't overdo it when I get well again. ;)

I think winter is making things harder for me. Extra clothes = extra washing. Less time outside = extra mess to clean up inside. I can't control the weather though so I might as well try to embrace it. I had intended to write a post about the positives of winter to cheer myself up but I got sidetracked writing this instead. That's ok. I didn't do what I set out to do but what I came up with is good too. I can always write the other post another time.

Do you struggle with being content to do less? What is your bare minimum? 
    

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1 Comments:

At June 21, 2011 at 1:11 AM , Blogger Rhianna said...

hope you feel better soon lovely, I now exactly what you mean. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you xx

 

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