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Saturday, August 13, 2011

Dear ants

Dear ants

I do not wish to kill you. I know that you are hard working, strong, and driven to succeed. As even you are one of God's creatures I am happy to peacefully coexist with you, as long as you play by the rules. If you leave me alone I will leave you alone. It's that simple.

All I ask of you is that you

a) don't bite me when I'm in bed. Particularly when I'm napping after a very difficult night with Alexis. I do not appreciate you waking me up.

b) stay out of my daughter's room. I definitely don't take kindly to you biting her in her bed and waking her up.

c) stay out of the tissue boxes. seriously, a tissue fettish? Are you on crack?

I try to understand your behaviour but quite frankly I find you very odd. Is the tray of wheetbix remnants I left in the dining room not adequate for you? I thought you'd be tickled pink devouring the tray of leftover pasta, cheese, peas and tomato sauce that my husband lovingly transferred from the highchair to hanging precariously across the kitchen sink this morning. I left these things here for your convenience, I had hoped you would accept my peace offering and leave us alone.

There is no gentle way to say this, dear ants, but your friends are now dead. Any of you foolish enough to venture into the bedrooms will also perish. You are minuscule, it is not difficult for humans to squish ants between two fingers. If you do not cease to send spies into the bedrooms then I shall have to declare war on the entire ant population of this dwelling, regardless of the location you choose to attack.

Consider this your final warning.

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