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Is it ok to whinge for a little while?

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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Is it ok to whinge for a little while?

I know my posts lately have been a bit "woe is me". I try not to post negative things. I try to be positive and fun because I'm trying to avoid scaring people off having kids and I'm trying to avoid people thinking, "argh, you sook, get over yourself". I'm also trying to avoid offending people who are having trouble falling pregnant or those who've tragically lost a baby (I can't even begin to imagine their grief). Pregnancy and raising children will always be sensitive subjects.

The last thing I want to do is upset people, but this blog is my release and I want to be as authentic as I can with it. The bitter truth is sometimes pregnancy is really hard, both physically and emotionally, and I think pregnant women need opportunities to talk about it. I need to get it out anyway, so read on if you dare.

I'm really having a hard time at the moment. My family is helping as much as they can, but I'm still overwhelmed. I'm barely coping now and I'm terrified of when my parents go back to work soon. I'm trying not to feel like a failure for "dropping the bundle".

I'm physically exhausted. My "morning sickness" is back so bad that I am physically ill from whenever I wake during the night (1am? 4am?) for many many hours (eg its 10:30 now and I still can't keep anything down). The nausea never stops. I can't sleep properly but neither do I want to be awake.  I'm fatigued so much that stringing a sentence together is incredibly difficult.

Bending over is torture. I have to sit on the toilet and sick up into a bucket because I can't properly aim into the toilet bowl (and because my firstborn destroyed my pelvic floor...). I only pick Alexis up when I have to, and although we have a friend coming over soon the contents of the pad packet Alexis has distributed across the floor can stay there because I'm not bending to pick them up.

My legs are jelly most of the time. My arms tingle. My back hurts. My boobs hurt. My neck hurts. My shoulders hurt (pre-existing issues there). My hips hurt. My backside hurts. My tummy hurts.

Oh boy does my tummy hurt. There is not a lot of room in my abdominal cavity. Alexis was 9 pound 14 (4.49 kg) at birth and I fear that my little man is no small fry either. When he moves around it physically hurts me. I don't want him to not move but I wish it didn't hurt so much. It seriously brings me to tears at times.

It doesn't take much to make me cry at the moment though. My emotions are pretty intense. Hormones, nausea, fatigue and pain will do that. I'm also scared silly about labour and childbirth and that's not helping. I'm scared that because I've been so sick I won't have what it takes but I guess adrenaline will kick in, or if I end up needing a cesarian I guess its not the end of the world.

I know I've been through it all before but it's different this time. When I was pregnant with Alexis I had a very strong nesting instinct. I had far more energy. I had things to do to keep me busy. People are generally a little more supportive with the first pregnancy too, which is a bit of a shame because I think its harder on the body the second time around.

I also didn't have a toddler to care for. As much as Alexis brings sunshine and joy to the bad days, having the constant shadow is exhausting. I would like to be sick without an audience or hearing her cry for me. Nappy changes are torture. I'm afraid to leave the house alone with her because at times I can't catch her. When I just get comfy and she decides she needs something it's a real battle to get up. I don't have a lot of patience for her sooking at the moment and I hate myself for it.

I also don't have a lot of patience for my husband. I know he is trying but I'm not convinced he fully understands. He is the sort of person who needs a lot of sleep. Alexis has been waking early and this is taking its toll on us all. I've been really sick in the mornings so I've needed him to take care of her. He has, but I don't think he is very happy about it.

I know he's tired, but I don't have the capacity to care about it too much. I'm trying to be a good wife but I am fully aware of how much I need him. I'm a burden and there's nothing I can do about it.        

Last pregnancy he would wait on me hand and foot, do most of the chores, sit with me while I cried, hold my hair for me when I was sick, take me to my appointments, Google my symptoms, help me roll over in the middle of the night, massage me, run me baths, help me out of the bath, talk to my belly for hours and give me enough compliments to keep my self esteem intact.

This time he is torn. He wants to do those things but he also must look after Alexis. We moved further away from his work so he spends more time travelling each day. The extra hour or so he isn't home makes a big impact.

We have a spare room now so he often sleeps in there so I can spread out. We also figured there's no point me waking him up when I go to the toilet every few hours, and this way he doesn't worry that his snoring might keep me awake. I like the space but I miss being able to cuddle into him when I'm sad and sore.  

When he is home he is busy with nappies and bath time and stories and bottles and  dummies. He has less time and more to do. I don't envy his position, but I still think I have it harder. Then again I can sort of imagine how much it would hurt him to see me so miserable and not be able to do much about it. I don't want a quick fix, I want compassion, but that's a hard concept for men to grasp at times.

He tries to support emotionally but if he tells me to "call the hospital" one more time I think I might lose it. I have called the hospital. They don't care. It's my second pregnancy and the first one was complication-free. Baby is still moving therefore they aren't worried for his safety therefore they don't care.  It's just the way it is.

I know I know I need to harden up and get over it. I'm very blessed to be within weeks of welcoming the second child to our little family. It's such an honour to even be pregnant. I know I am very lucky to have a loving husband and a loving daughter. I know that all this pain and sickness will be forgotten when I fall head over heals in love with my little man.

For NOW though, I AM in pain, I AM feeling overwhelmed, I DO feel useless, I AM exhausted, I DO have trouble picking things up off the floor, I DO feel like I'm ripping Alexis off, I DO wish I could eat and/or drink and not be sick, and there ARE times when all I wanna do is cry.

Sometimes I don't want to be told to cheer up. Sometimes I just want to know its ok to feel this way. Sometimes I just want him to hold me close and say, "you're doing the best you can. Don't worry, it's all gonna be ok. I'm here with you. You're not alone." 

Now if we could have this conversation without Alexis climbing me or sooking and without the Wiggles blaring in the background that'd be ideal, but I mustn't expect too much now should I. ;-)


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At September 29, 2011 at 12:29 PM , Blogger Rhianna said...

Yes it is alright to feel and say all of those things and I am so glad you did. I want to whinge and whine and cry and carry on as well and I don't have half the reasons you do. Everything you said is valid and I hope now you have said it you feel better.
Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you lovely lady, we need the down so we know when we are up. Hope wormy is ready to show up soon xx

At September 30, 2011 at 1:20 PM , Blogger Julie said...

Oh that really does sound awful Karleee. I remember the bending down thing too well. Other than that, I've mostly forgotten. I hope this baby comes really soon for you, and then you can forget too! until then, look after yourself and don't feel at all guilty when Alexa has to watch TV all day, or when you need take-away for dinner!

At September 30, 2011 at 1:21 PM , Blogger MummyK said...

It's okay to whinge, you have a good reason to whinge, let it out :) I hope things get better though :)


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