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Just can't do it again. (R U OK?)

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Saturday, September 10, 2011

Just can't do it again. (R U OK?)

I have written a post for the "R U OK?" campaign many many times over the last month or so. Last night I finally settled on a post I was mostly happy with. I was doing a few minor edits and accidentally wiped the whole thing. No matter how hard I tried to get it back it was gone. I cried. Mostly I cried because I had put so much time and effort into it, but it's more than that.

I cried because when I first wrote the post and then again when I was editing it, I wasn't just writing any old post. In my heart and mind I wasn't sitting up at my computer writing a post, I was back in the moments that hurt the most. I was feeling the pain again. All of it. When I lost the post it felt like all my hard work and the pain of writing it was for nothing.

I have a rough draft saved in an email. I could edit it, if I really wanted to. It was a good post, according to a fellow blogger who I asked to check it. I don't know, though, if I can bare the hurt of going through it again. When I write I put myself back in the moment. My memory is, well, without wanting to sound conceited, pretty special. It's  a gift from God and I should use it for good, yet sometimes it feels like a curse. 

When I was writing and editing that post I wasn't here at the computer. I was at that doctors surgery seeking help and being rejected. I was back in that hospital emergency room being told I wasn't that bad so go home, rest, grow up and go back to work. I was at church looking for support but instead being told to shut my crying baby up.

I was the one feeling alone in the crowd. I was the one unsure what to do with my baby, who I loved so much but felt totally out of my league with. I was the one feeling like a failure as a woman because cooking, cleaning and nurturing did not come easily to me. I was the one in tears asking my husband to stop trying to "fix" me but to just let me be upset for a little while.

As I write this I'm in several places at once as I relive being the young woman confused by my own feelings, ashamed of the pain I held inside. I know, full well, because I can feel it, the agony of wanting to ask for help but not knowing where to go or who to trust.

Pulling myself back to reality I can tell you now that I'm happy, healthy (apart from the flu) and content. I know the love of my daughter, my husband, and my God, and I can love them in return. I can also tell you that it wasn't always this way.

I couldn't tell anyone. I didn't know how. I was afraid. More than anything I wanted someone to understand, to look beyond the "I don't care, leave me alone," smokescreen. I wanted someone to see beyond the bad behaviour and the dodgy self-defensive aggression. To push past the shyness. I wanted someone to SEE ME and to simply ask,

"Are you OK?"

R U OK day is Thursday 15th September. Ask those close to you if they are ok. Its also so important to ask those you've always been afraid to ask. "Difficult people" are often difficult for a reason.  If you can, ask them if they're OK and stick around for the answer. Your simple question might mean more to them than you could ever imagine.

Finally, my dear readers, are YOU OK?

Helpful information:

To help spread awareness of R U OK? Day, bloggers around Australia are uniting as one. The links below are all posts written for R U OK? Some are incredibly personal and moving stories, some are motivating, some are shocking, but all are written with a heart to support the cause.

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At September 10, 2011 at 12:16 PM , Blogger The Elephant's Child said...

Followed you here (a form of stalking I guess) from My Big Nutshell. And I don't know how many times I have edited my RU OK post, so I know exactly how you feel. And I too (like so many of us bloggers) have been in the pits of despair and desparation so I relate to that too. Lovely post. Thanks.

WV portless - and how often have I felt that there was no safe port for me.

At September 10, 2011 at 7:30 PM , Blogger tahlia @ the parenting files said...

Wow... what a post of honesty and truth. I also followed you here from my big nutshell :) i hear it all to often of the feelings of wanting help, but not sure how to ask or where to ask.

It is great to hear things are in a better place for you now. I only hope posts like this encourage us all to talk more about the feelings, sadness and pain we all carry

At September 10, 2011 at 9:07 PM , Blogger Lee said...

Great post Karlee. Honest and beautiful.

It stunned me how hard the RUOK? post was to write. You have done a brilliant job.

At September 11, 2011 at 6:46 PM , Blogger Gemma @ My Big Nutshell said...

Congratulations Karlee, you have done so well. You really have. When you said you lost it on twitter, Veronica from Mixed Gems and I were heart broken for you.

Like Lee has said writing an ruokday post is difficult. I think it is important to acknowledge that because speaking about feelings is hard, but you've demonstrated it beautifully and with tremendous insight. Hopefully others can follow the path you've already laid and know that they can do it too.

At September 11, 2011 at 9:56 PM , Blogger The Mother Experiment said...

Thank you The Elephant's Child, Tahlia, Lee and Gemma for your encouragement.
The Elephant's Child - it does seem to be a trend among bloggers doesn't it? I think blogging is quite therapeutic for us. Thanks for stopping by. :)

Tahlia - it's sad that we tend to carry it in silence isn't it, considering it's often the same thing everyone else is afraid to mention too

Lee - thank you! It's hard to write because it's so important. We want to do the best for the cause. It's hard to share enough to be genuine without giving *too* much away.

Gemma - thanks so much for your support mate it means heaps. I really admire what you're doing. I know you're pouring your whole heart into RUOK? day and I really respect that. :)

At September 12, 2011 at 12:13 PM , Anonymous Maid In Australia said...

I have also struggled with the RUOK posts. (Because I'm trying to do a few, only because I feel so strongly about it). There's so much I want to share, yet so much I can't. I think the Universe works in amazing ways and you have probably posted the post you were meant to. I'm so glad you're okay now. xo

At September 13, 2011 at 10:16 PM , Anonymous Alyce said...

I just had to comment about the crying baby in church thing... My goodness it's such a fine line! You want to be considerate and careful about your children's noise levels, and parents that let their kids run riot drive me nuts. But when you're constantly ducking out of worship or the sermon to tame a toddler, or to feed the baby, you start to feel like what's the point in even being there?! Thankfully my church is fairly supportive and very kid-friendly - there's too many for it not to be, but even then I can feel the looks if Jonathan's whinging about something during worship, and I don't even bother staying in the sermon to feed Isabelle.

Hope you're doing ok :)

At September 15, 2011 at 11:27 AM , OpenID neesay said...

I can so relate to the feeling of hubby trying to "fix" you. Mine just didn't understand. So glad you are in a better place now x

At September 15, 2011 at 4:22 PM , Blogger Jayne said...

What a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing all those emotions with us. I know how difficult that is.

I'm sorry so many people let you down, but glad you're ok now x

At September 19, 2011 at 2:33 PM , Blogger Erin @ Eat Play Bond said...

I am sorry that you relived the pain and feel that you had nothing to show for it because you lost the post and i am glad you knew re-writing it would cause you further pain.
It angers me the evdn when you do feel strong enough to ask for help people dismiss it hoping you will get over it on your own. Thank you for sharing your story xx


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