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Things I know: saying NO

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Friday, September 9, 2011

Things I know: saying NO

Here's some things I know:
  • I love being pregnant but it is hard
  • Having a toddler and being pregnant at the same time is really hard 
  • Iron tablets are disgusting, and the side effects are not pretty, but they're better than iron deficiency (which totally sucks)
  • Support of family is so important 
  • Cutting back on activities is inevitable and necessary to survive
  • Some people will be upset and feel pushed aside when I can't do much with them
  • Trying to defend myself and explain my situation only seems to make it worse
    • I think they think I'm making excuses or patronising them or suggesting my situation and needs are more important than theirs. This isn't my intention
  • It is important to be mindful of others feelings and I am trying hard but sometimes I just have to say "no sorry I cant" and leave it at that
  • It is OK to say no 
  • There's no point bashing myself up over my own limitations. Adding guilt to the stuff I'm already struggling with is not going to help anyone 
  • I can't make people understand how tired and sore I feel at times, so all I can do is cut them some slack and try not to feel offended that they are offended, if you know what I mean
What I would like to know is, do you have any tips on subtly and tactfully explaining to people that I don't hate them I just need to be a little selective with my time and energy at the moment? I'm more than happy to visit people at home or somewhere where Alexis can run around safely, but I don't want to stay out too long and I'm happy for people to come over but I need to guard Alexis' nap schedule because I NEED that break myself. I also need to save time and energy to do the housework. *cough cough*. I hope I'm not the only one like this. It's normal, right? Did you have to cut back your social life a little bit when you were pregnant?

Joining Shae at Yay for Home for Things I Know

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At September 9, 2011 at 11:09 AM , Anonymous michelle said...

I know the feeling! Since Liams been born I don't get much time for social events. I don't have an income so rent, bills, and feeding and clothing ourselves plus 3 kids is a stretch alright! Besides, when I do get time to myself I'm really exhausted (i am also anemic). I'm like you, ill run around here and there... as long as it fits into Liams routine. I don't have any advice really coz I feel bad letting people down too...but yes it is completely normal for social life to be cut back a bit. Naturally it has to because as bad as this sounds, your kids are far more important. Your real friends will understand...and anyone who kicks up a stink bout saying no...maybe you could arrange another another time to see them...or if that doesn't work then I wouldn't let them make u feel bad. As long as u got ur kids and hubby, you'll never be lonely!

At September 9, 2011 at 11:09 AM , Blogger Kristy said...

If you can't be selfish in your life when you are trying to wrangle a toddler and be pregnant, when can you be? And it's only going to get worse as you learn to juggle with the needs of two of them.

I completely understand where you are at. Always keep in mind that you, Alexis and Wormy are the most important people in your world and your needs (and wants!) should always come first xx

At September 9, 2011 at 11:20 AM , Anonymous Ai Sakura said...

There has certainly been changes to our social lives since our lil girl came along. Like you, I don't really like to stay out much or even eat out because it is just so tiring with an active toddler.

I remember when she was first born a lot of people were excited for us and wanted to visit to share our joy. But it was just too tiring with such a young baby, plus it was SARS period here. Luckily, most people understood but sometimes it is hard because most of our friends don't have kids and don't understand what it's like haha..

Anyway, don't be afraid or feel guilty to say no. It really, like you said, is ok :)

Ai @ Sakura Haruka

At September 9, 2011 at 12:37 PM , Blogger tahlia @ the parenting files said...

im for honesty. Just tell your friends that things are a little tough, your tired, and you just dont have the energy at the moment. You will call when you do. If they are a good enough friend they will understand as well. Saying no is ok

At September 9, 2011 at 12:51 PM , Anonymous Tina ~ Tina Gray {dot} Me said...

I'm hearing you. I had to cut back on my social life each time I was pregnant because I was exhausted.

I agree with Tahlia. Be honest. Explain to them what you need and if they're a good enough friend, they'll understand, and even give you a hand to make to things a little easier.

At September 9, 2011 at 1:45 PM , Anonymous Kate @ Puddles and Gumboots said...

Saying no when you have to is very important you need to look after yourself and your little one. If others don't understand that then perhaps they are not very good friends xx

At September 9, 2011 at 5:20 PM , Anonymous Laura said...

I get so much of this post. When I was pregnant recently with No 3 I really battled - I have 2 older kids who are so busy with school, we have a busy social life and so I spent 9 months totally and utterly exhausted :(

I did end up saying no to functions and D would go on his own purely because I just couldn't.

I am not sure how you explain it to people - it is easier with those who have kids cos they generally do get it!!

At September 9, 2011 at 8:38 PM , Anonymous Alyce said...

Ooh, yes, iron tablets have gross side effects. I forgot about them when I started taking them again when pregnant with Isabelle!!

At September 9, 2011 at 11:18 PM , Blogger Rhianna said...

It is absolutely ok for you to say no and your true friends will understand when you openly and honestly explain it to them. Growing new life is hard work and you need to focus where you put your energy, not to mention all you need to do as a wife and mother. Sending you some fairy wishes and butterfly kisses over to you wonderful mamma xx

At September 10, 2011 at 9:40 AM , Blogger The Mother Experiment said...

Thanks for your support and encouragement everybody. :)

At September 10, 2011 at 3:36 PM , Blogger Sif said...

At the end of my second pregnancy I lost a so-called friend because I gently asked her to call before popping around at 4pm because my toddler would bounce off the walls and it made settling him for bed really hard and I needed her to check with me if I was up for a visit that day or not because I was 37 weeks pregnant. She hung up on me and never talked to me again. So, my only suggestion is don't ask for consideration over the phone, LOL.

At September 11, 2011 at 6:05 AM , Blogger Kristy said...

I was just reminded of something my very well meaning and dear father in law said to me not long after having Piper. We didn't go out much when she was first born and after a visit to their house one day, while we were packing the swing and god knows what else (half our house anyways) back into the car, he said to me "See it's not that hard is it?" I nearly murdered him.... maybe not for anyone else that just gets to enjoy the 2 babies cuddles, but they don't have to plan for a day beforehand, always forget something important and/or go out totally aching all over, simply from not getting enough sleep. People don't understand unless they are living it (or unless it's explained in honest, easy to understand english and even then some people are too selfish to see past themselves anyways!) (...thankfully my FIL isn't one of those people!!)

At September 11, 2011 at 10:24 PM , Blogger The Mother Experiment said...

Sif that's a really good point, perhaps in person is far more appropriate than text or over the phone. That way people can see the nonverbal communication as well and misunderstandings are less likely. Cheers. Sorry you lost your friend :'(

Kristy, ah, men just don't get it do they? ;) Even our husbands don't fully understand the impact of a day out on the following day! ;)


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