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Monday, March 5, 2012

sometimes I'd rather be at work

Warning. Incoherent.

There are very few times when I regret resigning from my job as a scientist. Fortunately the days where I can honestly say I'd rather be at work than spend another second home with these children are vastly outnumbered. Unfortunately though as I sit here feeding the baby AGAIN because his sister chucked a tanty AGAIN and kept going until she woke him up AGAIN I am in one of those moods where anywhere but here sounds pretty darn good.

I know that's horribly drastic. I didn't even really like my job.

I have two beautiful children. Apart from the virus that's parked itself in for a nice long stay they are relatively healthy. I have a husband who although is not perfect tries a lot harder than many men I know.

But I've had enough.

I know I'm blessed to have these kids. Many people spend their whole adult lives trying to have children. I know I am fortunate to be able to afford to stay at home. The idea of putting young William into daycare for someone else to look after does not sit well with me.

But it's monotonous. Not even laboratory work is this repetitive. And in the lab there's other people. And a paycheque. And coffee. And a sick bay to have a quick snooze in if you're desperate.

No. I don't really mean it. Surely? I can't really be bored with being a mum can I?

I'm frustrated. I'm overwhelmed. I'm exhausted. I'm perplexed. I'm irritated. I'm feeling pretty incompetent and confused.

I have a two year old. She's beautiful, she's funny, she's intelligent but she is determined to break me. She's trying to undermine my authority, she's pretending she doesn't understand, she's down right annoying at times. Well that's how it feels anyway. She is a very strong, very opinionated, very passionate, extremely stubborn little woman. If I tell her no she just asks Corey. When she still doesn't get her own way ARGH THE NOISE!

I do not know what to do with her.

When she wants to be good she is amazing. She's so helpful, so kind, so loving, so affectionate, so compassionate, so smart, so fun to be around. When we try to change her clothes or put her in bed or get her to eat something she's a miniature monster.

I just don't understand.

I feel like a crappy parent. I wonder if it's my fault? Am I just a loser who can't control my kid? Or is this normal? Is she just being a two-year-old and this is just a season that will soon pass. There is nothing "wrong" with her, she doesn't have a disorder or a syndrome or whatever the label of choice is. She just knows she can play me. And it sucks. 

I kinda feel like I've messed up the last two years and there's no way to fix it. Maybe it's best to get a job and let the kids go to day care. Although when I think about it at a centre you have no say whether it'll be the 17 year old work experience student or the fourty year old hardened battle axe or the nice person or the one who stinks of smoke who's handling such precious cargo. Probably all of them. No, the best person to raise my kids is me.

But it's hard. It's hard to know how to handle tricky situations.

Every single source says different things. Most people say, "find what works for you and be consistent" but I find that something only works for a week or two until the kids needs and demands change again.

Argh.

Now is not the time for deep thinking. The kids have been sick, Summer is over and it's been raining all day. I've been coke(cola)-free and chocolate-free for a few days. Alexis is still expecting presents and cake from her week of birthday celebrations. Alexis has just had a two hour tantrum over not wanting to sleep. My "sample" is skewed.

This is real life. It's not graded. There's not really a review panel judging my every decision. I'm fumbling on the best I can. If when William is a little older I want to go to work then so be it. If I want to put Alexis into daycare a day a week to get a break until then then maybe that's an option. 

I just really need some time out occasionally. Dinner, a movie, a hair-cut. Even going to bible study with a bunch of grandmas (pretty awesome grandmothers I must admit) is fun. Yet I want the kids to have consistent routine while I'm out. There's little point letting me out til 10 if two little darlings are still up waiting for me and then ruining the next day exhausted. 

Although come to think of it she hasn't had a normal routine for a while because she was excited about her party then it was her birthday then she got sick.

Come to think of it we do have a routine. I don't like it but its consistent. We put Alexis to bed at a reasonable hour and she screams her head off for two hours until Corey takes her away, waking William as they leave. I get him back to sleep as they get back and wake him again. They then go to sleep (or Corey plays games) while I stay up with William for the next hour and then if Corey is still up he whinges about how tired he is. With any luck I get to sleep an hour or two before she wakes up again (and she wakes William up again.) That's a routine right?  *argh*.

Anyone know of any night shift path jobs? If I have to be up all night I might as well get paid, yeah?

Or is it a case of just go to sleep, stupid, you're just tired and cranky and tomorrow will be better?


Either way it's a case of suck it up princess because this is my life now. Even if I did get a job I still have two kids and I'm still going to have all this happening. There's no such thing as a part time mum. Gee it might be nice to actually be appreciated every now and then but hey, does anyone actually get appreciated at work anyway?

Go to sleep Karlee. Once you get William back to sleep. There's always a catch.

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5 Comments:

At March 6, 2012 at 5:53 AM , Blogger Robin @ Pink Dryer Lint said...

Oh, my heart goes out to you on this post. Do you know what? You're going to make it through. You really are.

Please get some good rest. My husband has been known to say to me that the difference between hope and despair is a good night's sleep. I agree with this. It's hard to think coherently about anything when you're delirious with exhaustion.

Praying for you.

Remember this, too. God gently leads those who have young (Isaiah 40:11). You're not alone in this -- all mothers have been there! And you will emerge! :)

 
At March 6, 2012 at 5:53 AM , Blogger Robin @ Pink Dryer Lint said...

Oh, my heart goes out to you on this post. Do you know what? You're going to make it through. You really are.

Please get some good rest. My husband has been known to say to me that the difference between hope and despair is a good night's sleep. I agree with this. It's hard to think coherently about anything when you're delirious with exhaustion.

Praying for you.

Remember this, too. God gently leads those who have young (Isaiah 40:11). You're not alone in this -- all mothers have been there! And you will emerge! :)

 
At March 6, 2012 at 12:32 PM , Blogger AlyceB said...

Oh the days I envy my husband going off to work in the morning and returning in time for dinner, baths and bed! And he complains about those short couple of hours... (sometimes). HA! I so get this.

 
At March 6, 2012 at 2:09 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Doesn't it always just seem like you get through one bad "stage" and then they enter another? It seems like we spend forever wishing they were older, and then when they're older we bemoan not treasuring the time when they were young.....

 
At March 6, 2012 at 3:27 PM , Blogger SportyMummy said...

I really, really understand this post Karlee..right down to the lab work and the sick bay!! I've been there...some days I'm still there, even though my kids a little older. For me, having 2 little ones was the toughest. I look at photos and marvel at how cute they were....but, in complete honesty, I never want to go back there, ...I'm glad they are older now!

 

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